outlook is bleak

I am finally able to lay my thoughts down in some cohesive sentences. For the past three weeks, I have been in a place where no woman ever wants to be. After some initial elation regarding reproductive news, I was told by the sonogram tech, that there is no visible fetus. Meaning one of three things.

1. Blighted Ovum: A blighted ovum (also known as “anembryonic pregnancy”) happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. Cells develop to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself. A blighted ovum usually occurs within the first trimester before a woman knows she is pregnant. A high level of chromosome abnormalities usually causes a woman’s body to naturally miscarry.

2. Miscarriage: Spontaneous abortion.

3. Too early in pregnancy to see a fetus.  

So on the recommendation of the midwife, I followed up with a series of BHCG levels, (pregnancy hormone blood levels). They were rising, but not a significant enough amount. Next I waited TWO more fucking weeks and am scheduled to get another sonogram tomorrow.

To be honest, I feel rather drained, sad, numb, embarrassed, tearful, stressed out, and pissed off, all at the same time. While I was leaning over the toilet barfing one morning last week, I thought to myself, “What the hell?? WHY am I so sick still? If I have no baby WHY THE FUCK AM I BARFING??” Well I have had no signs of morning sickness for the last five days, and I can’t decide if that is a good sign or a bad sign. 

Every once in a while I get to thinking, and I start crying. Ryan just looks at me, helpless in his grief as I am in mine. There were days, weeks really, in which I felt a total disconnect with everything and everybody. Work, home, husband, kids, and stuff I like normally… NONE of it mattered. I barely brushed my teeth or my hair for that matter. My lovely live children must have sensed it, because they insisted on lying by me, as I would sleep. Ah, Sleep. If it weren’t for you, I think I would have died. Some people experience insomnia when depressed, I however, experience an extreme tiredness and lethargy that causes me to sleep like 10-12 hours a day, I call it hypersomnia. Couple that with some Tylenol PMs, and you have a recipe for sweet sleep escape.

So I am considering seeking some professional help at this point, now that I am not sleeping my days away. One of the benefits to working for a hospital is the employee assistance program, where I can seek a therapist’s help with my problems. I think it is time to talk, no matter what my ultrasound shows tomorrow.